Just Passing Thru

What to Do When Children are All Grown Up

6:47 AM

Remember the years when you were the only one that mattered to them. You cannot be out of their sight for long or their tears of being abandoned roll out on cue. Your words were gospel truth to them. Your approval trumps all other opinions. Then one day you realized dear parent that your children started living their life on their own terms,

Simple Answer: They have grown.

Question: What to do when children are all grown up.

Parents of young children would often wonder when they can finally take a break, Physical exhaustion and emotional demands go hand in hand with taking care of developing children. Some even experience social isolation especially when childcare falls squarely on one parent's shoulder. Such are the realities that one cannot be judged badly for wanting to have some respite from all the responsibilities of being needed.

It is such a bewildering experience then to have a certain odd feeling of no longer being needed as much as children grow. They have friends to ask for opinions, not to mention social media which has all the opinions in the world. They have views that can be the exact opposite of that of the parents'. As working children become financially independent, parents lose their leverage on matters of control.

A shift in the parent-child relationship is felt and there is no turning back.

What to Do When Children are All Grown Up

1, Accept the role shift from caretaker to guide. Parents can no longer make the decisions for their children but they can still offer advise, hoping that the right decision will be made. Sometimes however, they would choose to go the other way and make a mistake. Parents can still offer support and respect the decision, trusting that learning has occurred in the process.

2. Take a step back from your children's affairs and a step forward to your personal development. One gift a parent receives with having grown up children is time. This is time to take care of one's self, pursue personal interests, and decide as an individual, and not as a parent.

3. Adjust to changes in family traditions with the expansion of family members when children get married. This is usually a source of friction between in-laws which can be avoided if everyone decides to respect mutual boundaries. The feeling of abandonment is now reversed as married children prioritize their own families. Unless total cutting of ties is the goal of the child, the parent should be able to understand that the order of priorities has naturally shifted.

My Say

Ideally, parents must make sure that they have prepared for their future without their children. We cannot always predict or anticipate what can happen. If the children choose to help the parents until their old age, then that is a happy situation. That said, in case life circumstances do not allow this, parents who have prepared for their future will still be able to move on with life.

college friends

Not the Last Dance for Seniors

9:59 PM

Dance and my youth have quite a history of being together. Hawaiian dance lessons and jazz dance lessons akin to moves made popular by the iconic Aldeguer sisters formed part of my weekend activities plus organ playing. Every time the school asks us to choose the club we would like to join, there was no question because Dance Club it is for me.

Dance Takes a Backseat

And of course when life happened with motherhood and career, dance took a backseat. Looking at me seriously carrying out job responsibilities, people find it hard to believe that once upon a time, I was a girl dancing to my heart's content. I had the full support of my parents. While my mother made sure I attended my lessons, my father was the one patiently bringing me back and forth to dance practices.

Before I realized it, age crept in. Bones and joints started to make their presence felt with pain and creaking. Weight steadily increased, making some movements literally a challenge. My last medical check-up did not present any emergency issues. However, all my doctors advised the same thing: Take up a physical activity which you enjoy so it will not be burdensome to do. And so I remembered dancing and the joy of doing it...

Dance Remembered

It was during these moments of reminiscing when a close friend from college suddenly invited me to go dancing. She said she knew of a place named Savannah Moon Club and Restaurant in Quezon City which offers regular dance sessions for all ages but is especially senior-friendly. That definitely piqued my curiosity. As many seniors can attest to, a place where one can simply enjoy and not be judged is much welcome.

I have to admit that judgment from other people is one of the sore points of joining any group. It is such a burden joining a group where one is supposed to have fun and end up having to worry on how well you dance or dress. There are still adult ladies who seem to have not let go of their mean girl days, focusing on comparison or being the better one too much for their own good. But I digress...

Dance Restarted

So armed with the desire to meet up with my college friends and experience the joy of dancing once again, I agreed to the invitation. Internally, I was trying to find a back-out plan but my grown-up children prevailed on me to go, saying I should take time to enjoy life as an individual. I bravely drove my way from my residence outside Metro Manila to this very challenging traffic route to Libis, Quezon City. After going through traffic and some missed turns in spite of Waze, I finally found myself in the company of my friends.

We danced, laughed, drank, and ate as we set aside our worries for the next three hours. Other groups minded their own business, like we did. Even with the sweat and the pain of awakening joints from inaction, the experience was liberating and exhilarating. We promised to do this again very soon.

My Say

This simple experience with my school friends made me realize that this is definitely not the last dance for seniors. While the young often resort to dance to socialize and have fun, dance can be a lifeline to health and connectivity for seniors.

That said, this only happens with effort and initiative from senior citizens. It starts with saying yes to start and repeated yeses to follow-up opportunities to participate and connect.

aging

Fashion Tips for Seniors

3:19 AM

Ever since I was a little girl, I have always loved dressing up. My go-to shopping places then were Cartimar, Zurbaran, Divisoria, and department stores in Manila namely Shoemart (before it became famous as SM), Good Earth Emporium, and Syvel's. In later years as a career woman, shops of choice were Rustan's, Sari-Sari, Kamiseta, Marks and Spencer and the like. As a senior citizen still having fun with fashion, I now find myself favoring the comfort of online shopping.

Evolution of Fashion Choices

As a young girl, I was more intent in keeping up with the fad. Whatever was in fashion during a particular period, I try hard to have. I was lucky to have a mother who loved shopping so I was able to manage to sneak in my own purchases and just surprise her at the counter.

Work wardrobe is a totally different scenario, I focused on building a wardrobe that is professional, can mix and match, can withstand the fashion trends, and quality made. Being careful with clothes purchases is a direct result of having to pay them from my own salary and having my own family to take care of.

Now that I am in my senior years, my main concerns in buying clothes are comfort, style, and affordability. I want to be able to move with ease and confidence without breaking the bank. Even with me still earning and my now grown-up children indulging me, I still have to be practical enough to understand that there are other priorities to prepare for such as healthcare and retirement.

Fashion Tips for Seniors

With this in mind, let me share some fashion tips for senior citizens like me who still want to enjoy dressing up whether it is for daily use or for special occasions.

1. Choose clothes that make sense for your activities. While age usually allows more freedom to be more adventurous in fashion choices due to lesser concern with judgment from other people, people still do judge. Thus, it wouldn't hurt to still dress appropriately for an event, a venue, or an activity.

2. Choose clothes that are comfortable yet stylish. Fit trumps trend. How well clothes fit is more important than wearing the latest trend. But again, it wouldn't hurt to choose clothes that are comfortable yet able to exude the style you want to project.

3. Have your basic neutral colors and monochrome tones for a streamlined look. This does not mean your color experimenting days are over. You just need to find your individual style and work around it.

4. Opt for easy closures, pull-on bottoms, and natural fabrics to minimize effort in dressing up. Many seniors still don't feel comfortable seeking assistance from others. For some, not being able to dress up by themselves signals loss of autonomy or personal control.

5. Choose comfortable and quality shoes. Not doing so greatly impacts the overall quality of life of a senior. Wearing the proper shoes can prevent falls, pain and joint issues, It also encourages mobility which is very important for aging people.

My Say

Age should not restrict a person's fashion sense. It just refines our style as we become familiar with our own body and better understand what clothes and shoes work for us.

That said, being a senior citizen does not mean boring clothes. Dressing up serves its physical and psychological benefits as we maintain our personal identity at a life phase many consider as going into social invisibility.

widow

Redefining Identity After Widowhood

4:36 AM

Growing old with one's spouse is probably the dream of many married women. But what happens if fate decides to take a different turn in the death of the husband. Does the widow need to redefine her identity to shift from a couple-centered existence to an individual who creates an altogether different version of herself?

Quote from Book : The Widow or Widower Next Door

Widowhood in Olden Times

Back in the day, widowhood was synonymous to sudden financial vulnerability for a woman, whether stay-at-home or working. There were also social constraints that may restrict movements and actions necessary to take care of a family with no partner. Women who have to conform with rigid customs where she loses her legal identity upon marriage may not even know how to start over.

Widowhood in Modern Times

The passage of time has made it a lot easier for widows to cope. The ability to hold their own jobs, have access to proper financial planning, live in a time where there are more lenient social norms, and avail of assistance from support groups all combine to give widows more resources to thrive and develop as a person or as the remaining head of the family.

Widows as Individuals

Transitioning from a couple-oriented mentality to an individual mentality is one of the most radical lifestyle change especially when it is not intended or planned. This does not mean however that the widow forgets and erases the memory of the husband. It is more about finding one's self apart from the marriage while using the memories and learnings derived from it.

My Say

Although my husband has always known me to fight for what I believe in, it is a fact that we always talk about matters for decision. I miss the feeling of security that he will always be there whatever the result of our decision may be, especially during the first few months from his passing. Eventually, I got the hang of it and rediscovered who I was before I became a wife and a mother.

That said, my identity has not changed. I still carry my husband's name with pride but with a redefined identity. An identity that is me and an identity that I hope my husband and children will be proud of...still.