I don't exactly know how I survived this first Christmas after losing my husband. Maybe the anticipation of holiday grief is more dreadful than living through the actual day. It's also possible that the people surrounding me just did a good job in making me feel that there is life even when grieving.
.png)
Based on observation of other people, I seem to be coping with grief fairly well. If coping means I still have the energy to wake up and go about my daily work; if it means being able to still laugh, sing, and dance; if it means taking care of myself, if it means I still fight fiercely for what I believe in, then yes, I am coping.
What many don't know is that for me to be able to cope on the outside, I need to accept and go through the rollercoaster of emotions that comes with losing a loved one. It is not an understatement to say that every corner of where I go is a constant reminder that future memories will no longer include him. Knowing this, is responsible for much of the pain.
Calm Days and Moments of Melancholy
Calm days are something I am most thankful for. It gives me a sense of normalcy in this particular life disruption. Moments of melancholy or having feelings that go beyond sadness come in waves, usually unexpectedly.
The struggle not to have these moments noticed by others is real. I don't like spoiling the mood of festive activities. Most of the time I am able to fake it, but sometimes it is just too much. Family and friends are incredible sources of support and love, accept them.
Moving Forward
Going into the 10th month without my husband, I can say that things and situations associated with him have become more bearable. I have no illusions that all pain will go away in time but I truly understand now that we learn to live with it and still live a fruitful life. I totally believe that I can honor my husband's life best when I am able to carry on. For now, our children remains the priority. Self-development is a close second.
Our memories will remain with me whatever I decide to do in the future.
My Say
Deep in my heart, I wish he is still with us. That said, I pray that he can still guide our family from above as I try my very best to complete our parental duties.
We will never forget you Ramon. I am so sorry I was not able to put up the Christmas Tree for this past holiday. It has always been your "job" to do it yearly.
