Just Passing Thru: August 2012

On Teaching Our Children to be True Filipinos

11:34 AM

Today, my children had their culmination activity in school for the yearly celebration of "Buwan ng Wika". They were required to come in Filipino costume, bring Filipino food to share to their classmates, and participate in various Filipino games scheduled for the day. What I failed to ask them was if there was any activity for the day that pertains to the use of the Filipino language since it is after all a month supposed to be celebrating our national language which incidentally is also referred to as Filipino.

An Interesting Question

While they were dressing up, my children had a very interesting question for me to answer. The question was this: If these are the real Filipino clothes, the real Filipino food, and the real Filipino games, how come we only get to wear them, eat them, or do them once a year? Are we not Filipinos everyday? For the life of me, I cannot readily find a suitable answer to that logical question at that certain point in time.

A Look-Back to the Past

While I was trying to find an answer for their question, I did a quick look-back to my own school days, trying to remember how we celebrated "Buwan ng Wika" during our time. As far as I can remember, we were also made to come to school in Filipino costumes, danced Filipino dances, and sang Filipino songs. The biggest challenge however, was the ruling to speak in pure Filipino while in class for a whole month. The penalty was a 25-centavo fine for every foreign word uttered in class. If I remember it right, we only did this challenge once but a whole load of coins were collected which were used anyway to treat the students with candies after the grueling month was over. It was an experiment that provided interesting results.

The main obstacle turned out to be the students' lack of knowledge with the real Filipino language. What we considered then as Filipino was actually a watered-down version of it, known as Taglish coupled with what was then known as "colegiala" speak. It turned out that the words we were using were merely "Tagalized" versions of English and other foreign words. The Filipino subject proved very difficult to learn not because we were fluent English speakers but because of the highly technical form of the formal Filipino language.

Fast Forward to the Present

Our family is a regular one in the Filipino setting. We speak Filipino at home and reserve English speaking for school or work requirements and for other situations that require it. It makes sense therefore that my children will find the study of their Filipino subjects a breeze, but unfortunately this isn't so.

They actually find the subject hard, much harder than their English subjects in fact. I attribute this to the fact that everyday spoken Filipino is entirely different from formal Filipino mainly in construction and choice of words. The former is quite easy while the latter requires a more detailed study to achieve precision.

My Say

It would take regular practice and use to bridge the gap between everyday Filipino language used in informal settings with that of the Filipino language used in formal settings such as the school. Parents again share in the responsibility with the school towards this end. Knowing our own language is part of our development as Filipinos. The clothes we wear, the food we eat, and the games we play which are all products of foreign influence can all be attributed to practicality. This however, should not prevent us from looking more Filipino in externals if we wish to.

That said, the most important thing in teaching our children to be true Filipinos is to help them develop a mentality of love of country. This will include respect for our traditions, our way of life, and the symbolism which Filipinos hold dear in their hearts. And so I answered my children: Yes, we are Filipinos everyday, not only for a day but being Filipino extends beyond what is obvious and seen. You can adopt the Filipino clothes, food, and games as much as you want, if you want, but always be a Filipino in heart and in mind.

absentee parent

The Concept of Family

3:55 AM

children with siblings

The Only Child

6:05 AM

Much has been said about the supposed advantage and disadvantage of being an only child. Many people hold certain preconceptions similar to beliefs held about personalities based on birth order. Again, the word "syndrome" comes into the picture providing claims as to certain "truths" when talking about an only child. The only child syndrome asserts that a child will grow up maladjusted because of the lack of sibling interaction. However, the well-adjusted lives of many who grew up in a similar family environment tend to favor the view that such syndrome is merely a myth.

The Only Child Stereotype

Only children have often been portrayed as self-centered spoiled brats. Because of the focused attention provided by their parents, they are said to grow up thinking that the world revolves around them alone. They are also said to grow up overindulged since all resources of parents are showered on them.

There is also a belief that only children are not as adept as children with siblings in the matter of socialization. Used to not having to share anything with anyone at home, they often encounter problems in the school environment where sharing and giving way to others is part of education and character building. Lack of interpersonal skills and self-control are words often floated around in the subject of only children.

The Circumstances that Bring About Only Children

Barring extreme situations like the One Child Policy of China, more and more couples are finding themselves in a family set-up consisting of them and an only child for different reasons not related to government-imposed regulations. Aside from personal preference , couples may decide to have only one child because of financial considerations, health issues, family stress, pregnancy fears, late marriage, and personal goals that will require travel and higher education.
It is a fact that the more children there are to take care of, the more limitations there are for parents to pursue personal goals.

It should be noted that although an only child is generally defined as someone who does not have any sibling, there are also other only child scenarios existing. These would include those who have half-siblings living separately from them and those whose age are quite far from their siblings. Thus, a 5 year old child with three older siblings in their 20s may feel like an only child since the siblings no longer represent any major competition for parental resources and attention. This is especially so if older siblings assume parental roles as well to the child since they are all gainfully employed. An only child of two people from previous marriages with children may feel like the lone child when siblings live in a separate home.

The Positive Side

There are studies that would show that many only children are actually happier than children with siblings. This is of course not to devalue the experience of having siblings. An only child also appears to have greater motivation to succeed because of the parents' undivided attention. Based on a very good number of emotionally-stable and socially-adjusted only children , concerns of maladjustments do not appear to be their monopoly. Children with siblings have the same potentials as only children of encountering interaction problems with other people.

My Say

My eldest child was literally an only child for about 19 years since her siblings came very much later. Our mother-daughter relationship suffered some strain when other people began teasing her that she will be less-loved once her siblings came. The teasing began when she was still fairly young and being young made her vulnerable to what seemed to be harmless teasing. Adults should be very careful with the ideas they put in children's minds lest they cause lasting effects.

That said, my eldest child grew up to be quite an achiever especially in her work which may be credited in part to the almost exclusive attention she got from us for many years. In essence, what I am saying is that an only child will grow up just fine just like any other child. Parental support and environmental factors will have much to do with what a child grows up to be. The lack of siblings can be seen as a deprivation of a particularly enriching relationship but it should not be enough to destroy a child into a becoming an inconsiderate and selfish adult.

9-12 years old

The Pre-Teen Years- What is Exactly Going On?

6:22 PM

When children hit the age of 9-12 years, they become part of a special group known as pre-teens . Their level of thinking and needs are entirely different from that of teenagers and that of young children. These are the children who are about to enter the often tumultuous stage of teenage life or adolescence but are not exactly there yet. If ages 5-9 are said to be in their middle years and teenagers are those aged from 13-19. Pre-teens are found in between these two group thus the term tweens.

Developmental Factors

Pre-teens or tweens undergo developmental changes not only physically but also in other aspects such as cognitive and social-emotional development. Thus, while parents are intent on the physical growth of their children, there is also a need to address their needs which may not be readily seen by parents or declared by tweens themselves. Here lies the mystery in what really goes on inside their minds and hearts. Parents who gain an understanding of their inner thoughts and feelings have a better chance of providing adequate support to them.

The concerns during pre-adolescence may have certain differences in relation to gender. Pre-teen boys have different area concerns than pre-teen girls. In fact, this is usually the stage where children have more friends of the same sex, often acting as if the other belonged to another world. A complete turnaround occurs in teenage years where much interest on the opposite sex is manifested.

Inner Psychological Workings of Tweens

There is a lot going on in the minds of pre-teens. This comes with the territory of undergoing almost simultaneous changes physically, intellectually, emotionally, and psychologically. There will be marked differences in certain areas of family life such as the degree of parental attachment, way of communicating, acceptance of discipline, building of self-esteem, approach to character development, and the use of technology. Parents soon find out that their children can and will think for themselves and may not be as accepting of "truths" as presented during early childhood.

Although the home and the educational institution which a child goes to will remain as the main influences in socializing, they are starting to develop their own views of things around them. They are beginning to assert their individuality and independence which sometimes come across as an affront to parental authority. Their thoughts and aspirations are becoming more realistic as they start to relate the present with a future.

Common Concerns During Pre-Teen Stage

Because a pre-teen child is starting to become his own, he expects to be treated as an individual and no longer as a mere member of the family. He then expects to be asked about his opinion usually in the more common context of family decision-making. It is quite common for most pre-teens to have a different view from the general consensus. This is also the time when children give more attention to how they look and how they are perceived especially by their friends.

Studies have shown that this particular age group is the most vulnerable to the effects of marital separation of parents. They are the ones who tend to take sides and will defend their choice fiercely. It should also be noted that related studies reveal that this same group are known to come to the rescue of what they perceive to be the aggrieved parent, even to their own detriment.

Another major concern in tweens is their exposure to technology and how it is being used in their everyday life. This concern is actually a modern-day addition since children of previous generations have not been exposed as much as the children of today. Exposure to other forms of media as well are creating some concerns because children of this age are very impressionable. This should explain why many marketing efforts are directed towards this group.

My Say

At present, I have a twelve year-old son who appears confused most of the time with all the information and changes he is bombarded with on a daily basis. I see in him the great desire to fit in with his peers while he struggles to maintain his individuality and the lessons we taught him during his early childhood. I sometimes sense his perplexity whenever he sees our flaws as parents and as human beings, probably sometimes finding it difficult to reconcile the perfect picture he has created of us in early childhood with the realities of our humanity.

Because he is no longer a child, I allow him to see our human side in preparation for his eventual independence. I try very hard to allow him to make his mistakes even if I had grown accustomed to doing everything for him, as long as it will not result to his physical harm. Everyday, I have to remind myself that I should teach myself to let go, albeit in small steps. After all, we will always be here for him no matter his age, no matter what.

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Just Passing Thru Turns a New Page

7:30 AM

child's performance in school

Handling a Child's Performance in School

6:56 AM

The first quarterly exams of my children in school was scheduled for last week put pushed through only this week because of the forced vacation brought upon by the non-stop rains and flood. My children were ecstatic with every day of announcement of no classes. As for me, I wasn't as thrilled as them not only because I knew what kind of tragedy this kind of unpredictable weather can bring to us and other people, but also because of the prolonged burden of the unfinished exams. Every exams week is a dreaded time not only for my children but also for myself who studies with them.

I know for a fact that it isn't just me. Many mothers I talk to in school feel exactly the same way. We all look forward to the end of every examination week for four quarters in a school year, maybe much more than our children do. Sometimes, our children appear more relaxed than we are that we cannot help laughing at the realization that we might just be taking the tests too seriously.

Notwithstanding this realization, we still cannot help but feel anxious just the same. After all, we are the ones who will hear the verdict of their school performance from their teachers when card-giving day comes. It is us who will have to hear where are children are supposed to be needing more support. For any parent who is fully involved in his/her children's studies, the comments, however well-intentioned come out more personal than they should.

Truly supportive parents literally die a little every time they have to receive not-so-good news about their child's performance in school whether in relation to academics or conduct. They tend to question their capability to provide sufficient support for their child in school matters. Many go through a cycle of guilt trips, racking their brains to determine where they still could have possibly gone wrong in spite of such obvious dedication to the welfare of their child.

Many parenting books suggest allowing the children their independence especially in studies and school relationships. It is quite difficult however for parents not to intervene especially when they very well know that the difference between passing and failing or between simply passing and excelling is just a little parental nudge. Real-life parents want their children to succeed and it is probably the height of hypocrisy when we say we don't want that for own children.

My Say

It is so difficult to find the right balance in every parent-child issue. There is simply no clear-cut single answer to every question that arises. Parents can only do the best they can and fervently hope that they have done enough.

That said, tomorrow is the last day of exams, tomorrow I can finally heave a sigh of relief until the next quarter comes. Maybe several tomorrows after that, I can finally leave the studying to my children.

book review

Book Review: Good Enough Parenting-The Sensible Discipline Guide for New Parents

10:27 AM

Title: Good Enough Parenting-The Sensible Discipline Guide for New Parents

(Kindle Edition)

Author: Lisl Fair

Book Length: 104 pages

Main Theme: This book proposes that parents need not aim for perfection which is something impossible, but rather be good enough parents doing their best for their children, themselves, and their family specifically in the area of discipline.

Context of the Book: The author, a mother of four, sought to provide its target readers-the new parents, a basic understanding of child discipline by providing chapters pertaining to the Foundations of Discipline, Nature of Childhood, Training for Character Development, Discipline Methods, Discipline Framework, Good Enough Parenting, and Frequently Asked Questions about Discipline. The main text of each chapter is interspersed with related quotations, personal experiences, and points to ponder. Several diagrams have also been included in relation to the explanations being offered.

My Impressions: The book provides the information it wishes to impart in a fairly easy manner. The author takes care not to insist on a particular strategy for providing child discipline but rather provides several options which readers can apply to their particular situation. The wisdom of the proposed thesis comes from the true and real experience of an admitted imperfect parent which instantly puts the readers at ease since parallelism of experiences is quickly established.

Thesis of the Book: Good Enough Parenting is saying that every family needs to find the level and manner of discipline applicable to them while considering the options that are most desired in terms of effectiveness and veering away from options that are clearly unproductive. There is clear emphasis on the need to instill discipline on young children by providing boundaries early on for the purpose of ensuring appropriate behavior in later years. Most importantly, the book fully recognizes the impossibility of attaining perfection in parenthood and rather supports the more attainable form wherein parents give their best for their children, themselves , and the family.

My Take: What warmed me to this book is that a parent who is not perfect and yet is trying to do the best he/she can under given circumstances can read through it without guilt. Books that dwell too much on what an ideal parent or family should be can be very discouraging for someone who is trying to find solutions. As the author has noted herself, there is already much guilt being carried around by parents who see themselves as failures in the disciplining department and to have such "failures" rubbed in further does not provide much room for positive action.

The author makes an important point in saying that it is usually not the children who drive parents over the edge but the other stress factors in life. Children are only the usual recipients of the effects of these factors because they are conveniently there to receive them. This and other practical points made throughout the book convinced me that this book was made for real people like me.

My Recommendations: Although this book was supposedly prepared for new parents, not-so-new parents can benefit from reading it as well. This book is not for parents looking for highly-scientific explanations of child behavior and discipline. Good Enough Parenting - the book, is for parents who need to be reminded and guided through the sensible path of parenting and child discipline.

Knol Lopez

An Open Letter of a Mother to Her Daughter

11:00 PM

birth order

Is Human Personality Dependent on Birth Order?

11:49 PM

Most of us are probably familiar with the middle-child syndrome which is a prevailing notion that a child or children sandwiched in between the eldest and the youngest are usually "forgotten" by parents in the matter of attention, privileges, and identity. In terms of personality, they tend to go this way and that, having no clear idea of what he or she is expected to do in life. Before this "condition" has been fully explored, pop psychologists has again recently identified another - the first-born child syndrome.

Pop psychologists or Popular psychologists are not necessarily professional medical psychologists but may include people who project the image of being such, including lecturers, authors, and even entertainers, tackling topics pertaining to human psychology. Some of the more popular examples of these are providers of self help books, advice columns or TV shows, urban legends and myths, and public perception. Most of these have been offered in an effort to provide explanations of why people act or react in a certain way.

The syndromes mentioned above are related to a person's ranking by age in relation to his or her siblings. There seems to be an existing belief that birth order affects psychological development to a large degree and this is sought to be proven by certain statistics provided by studies conducted on the subject. Some of those worth mentioning include:

The eldest child will be the most likely to succeed academically because of high expectations set by parents. The extreme opposite which is the eldest being the biggest failure is also seen as a possibility due to the inability to respond well to the pressure.

The eldest child is seen as the most serious and least likely to have fun while the youngest is the most likely to be relaxed and fun-loving.

The eldest child will most likely be given either the most privileges or the most responsibilities which will set the tone for either bossiness or leadership among siblings.

The middle child will always be an underachiever in all aspects of his life because of lowered expectations from parents as compared to expectations on the eldest child.

The youngest child will always have his or her way because parents are usually tired of setting rules by this time.

The above statements are just some of the results obtained from real-life parents but none has been proven to be generally conclusive so far. While most are based on actual experiences, there is yet no clear scientific evidence that birth order per se, will determine a child's personality and destiny. The environment in which a child is raised and how he or she is raised by parents still remain the major determinant of a child's future. Even so, there is much emphasis placed on helping a child or person go beyond the limitations set by less-than-favorable family situations.